


it's not so impossible

by wholesome_gay



Series: Christmas 1978 [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, Drinking, First Kiss, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Getting Together, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), POV Sirius Black, Pining, Post-Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-17 23:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21951484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wholesome_gay/pseuds/wholesome_gay
Summary: Sirius really, really wants Remus to move in. Remus has refused and won't tell Sirius why.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Christmas 1978 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585522
Comments: 17
Kudos: 246





	it's not so impossible

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HagridsBong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HagridsBong/gifts).



> This is dedicated to my wife.
> 
> Title from Sufjan Stevens' "Impossible Soul"

The Christmas party was at Marlene’s flat that year. She’d gone all out with the decorations: live fairies, everlasting icicles, holly that grew an inch every ten minutes, singing baubles. There were more guests than the flat should have been able to contain - no doubt an expanding charm had been used, but it seemed to be wearing down (that or more people were showing up - hard to tell). There was something about being in a war that made people quite eager to let go of their inhibitions for a night, supposedly in the name of Christmas.

Remus Lupin, who didn’t usually like to get drunk, seemed to be quite smashed. And it wasn’t even midnight. Currently, he was by the door pulling on his patchy coat - well, trying to, anyway. He seemed to be having some trouble getting his arm into the left sleeve. Sirius helped guide his arm through.

“Thanks,” Remus told him, looking a bit embarrassed. Or maybe just pink from all the wine. Sirius himself had chosen not to drink in solidarity with James, who wasn’t drinking because Lily forbade him from getting drunk in front of her while she couldn’t. Well, Sirius did have two shots of firewhiskey, but not while either of them were looking, so it wasn’t an issue.

“You’re leaving already?” Sirius hadn’t had the chance to talk to Remus much that night.

“Yeah, I’m knackered.” He definitely looked like he ought to be on a couch. Or in bed. Preferably without the coat, and with Sirius.

“You’re not going to apparate, are you?” Sirius asked, amused.

Remus appeared to consider it. “No, suppose not. I’ll take the Knight Bus.”

Sirius had only taken the Knight Bus once in his life (fortunately), and no other form of transportation had left him so utterly nauseated. “I don’t envy you.”

Remus was counting out the coins he had pulled from his pocket. It definitely didn’t look like enough to get him to his parents’ house in Cambridge. “Don’t,” Remus said warningly.

“Don’t what?” Sirius asked, although he already knew.

“Don’t offer me money.”

“Alright, I won’t.” Sirius rubbed his nose. “Why don’t you just stay at my flat for the night?”

Remus crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, radiating unwillingness.

Sirius tapped his foot to the bizarre Muggle music that was playing in the background.

“Fine,” Remus said finally, looking away.

It was a small victory, since Remus really didn’t have much of a choice, but a victory nonetheless. Remus hadn’t been over since September, when James had moved out and Sirius asked Remus to move in. Sirius hadn’t expected Remus to be easily persuaded, but his flat-out refusal still stung. The worst thing about it was that he hadn’t even given a reason, just said “I don’t think it’s a good idea” and then, when questioned, made himself scarce.

“Alright, let me say my goodbyes and then we’ll walk to my place.”

* * *

It was a cold London night, and the sky threatened snow. Remus didn’t have any gloves. Sirius offered his twice, and Remus declined both times. Merlin, he was so _stubborn_.

He kept stumbling, probably because his focus was on the sky, as though he expected the full moon to come out from the clouds at any moment, even though it was only a waxing crescent. After the second time Remus nearly became well-acquainted with the concrete, Sirius took hold of his arm. Surprisingly, Remus didn’t try to shake him off. Instead, he slung his arm around Sirius’s shoulders. 

“I haven’t seen you this drunk since our graduation party,” Sirius told him.

“Oh, please, ‘m not _that_ drunk,” Remus retorted, but the way he leaned on Sirius said otherwise.

Lately, Remus had been subtly maintaining a slight distance between them. Sirius hated it. He wasn’t sure why Remus was doing it, but he could guess. If it took several drinks for Remus to tolerate being this close to him, then so be it.

“How much farther?” Remus complained. 

“Another two miles or so,” Sirius said calmly.

“Padfoot!”

“Just ten more minutes.”

Snow began falling so lightly that Sirius could barely feel it brush his face.

“Very Christmassy,” Remus commented, taking his hand out of his pocket to motion at the snowfall. Even drunk, tired, and red-nosed from the cold, he really was beautiful.

* * *

“I see that you’re waiting until the last minute to decorate,” Remus said as they entered the flat.

Sirius hadn’t seen the point of putting up Christmas decorations when it was just him. He wasn’t going to have company on Christmas. The Potters had invited him to join them, and he’d planned on it, but changed his mind a week ago. They’d done so much for him already. He didn’t want to get in the way this time. They deserved to enjoy the holiday with their son and their soon to be daughter-in-law, and no one extraneous. 

Remus slumped down onto the couch and rubbed his eyes.

“Tea?”

“Ta, Sirius.”

Sirius filled the kettle with water and put it on the stove. He knew that Remus liked tea better the Muggle way, even though Sirius was certain that it tasted the same. 

When it was ready, he poured a splash of cream into Remus’s cup, and added two sugars and a lot of cream to his own. He returned to the living room and passed Remus his mug.

“Thanks,” Remus said, holding onto it with both hands like it was something precious.

Sirius sat down next to him, but not too close. It shouldn’t be something he had to think about. It hadn’t always been. 

“Have fun tonight?” Sirius asked, and then cast a silent _incendio_ at the fireplace.

“I thought I would, if I drank enough. But I’m still sober enough to think about all the things I shouldn’t, so.” Remus shrugged.

“Like what?” Presumably he was referring to the fact that they were involved in a sort of guerilla warfare via the Order.

“Like how I got fired yesterday.” Remus reached down to unlace his boots.

“Fuck, Moony. I’m sorry. That’s-”

“Don’t. Like I said, I don’t want to think about it.” Remus settled back into the cushions and closed his eyes, looking as though he belonged there. Sirius thought maybe he did - not with his parents all the way out in Cambridge, and not in the shitty little flat Remus had rented in London for three months before getting evicted. Here. But Remus disagreed.

“Remus?”

“Yes?” He opened his eyes and blinked at Sirius.

“Why won’t you move in?” The other bit, “with me,” was implied.

Remus sighed and peered into his mug like it held the answer. “I can’t afford-”

“Oh, please, that’s not it. You know that I wouldn’t make you pay rent. And I know it’s not because you want to stay with your parents, either. Peter told me you were looking at flats together.” The last bit of information had Sirius feeling especially bitter. What did _Peter_ have that he didn’t?

“Bloody Peter…” Remus muttered, and Sirius had to agree.

“So what is it then? Is my presence just _that_ intolerable?” Sirius hadn’t meant to come off so angry. He was frustrated, though, that Remus wouldn’t just tell him. Didn’t they used to tell each other things? Sirius had certainly said some things to Remus that he hadn’t to James. But maybe Remus no longer considered Sirius his confidant, or, worse, maybe he never had.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Remus scoffed, shaking his head dismissively.

“Then just tell me!” Remus could really drive him mad sometimes.

“Trust me, it’s better if you don’t know.” Remus took a swig of his tea as though he wished it was something much stronger.

Sirius tapped his fingers erratically on the arm of the couch. “I don’t like when we keep secrets from each other,” he said, trying to urge the truth out of Remus with a glare.

“Is that so?” Remus said evenly. How did he sober up so quickly? “I’m not the only one who’s been keeping something to himself.”

Oh. Remus knew.

Sirius leaned forward in his chair suddenly. “It’s because I’m queer, isn’t it?” he spat.

Remus did a good impression of being surprised. “What? No!”

“You lived with me for _seven years_ without a problem but as soon as you figured this out, well, fuck, there’s no way-” It was funny how the heat of anger under his skin felt so much like shame.

“Shut up, Sirius! You can’t honestly think that-”

“Don’t act like-”

“You know what?” Remus stood up, looking only slightly unsteady. “I’m going to James’ and Lily’s.” 

Sirius clenched his jaw. “And how are you going to get there?”

“I’ll walk,” Remus said, already moving toward Sirius’s tastefully scavenged coat rack, boots in one hand.

“For Merlin’s sake.” Sirius got up and followed Remus, who was, once again, struggling to get his arm into his coat sleeve. But this time he managed before Sirius could help. “It’ll take you two hours from here!”

“Well, I could use a bit of peace and quiet,” Remus said dryly, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

This night was really not going the way Sirius had planned. Not that he had planned it, really, but he’d thought maybe they could sit together and smoke a bit, talk and laugh like they used to. 

Sirius blocked the door with his arm. “Moony, just stay.” He bit his lip, the desire to fight leaving as quickly as it had come on. 

Remus just stared at Sirius’s arm, frowning as if he could will it to move out of sheer irritation.

“I’ll make up the sofa for you. I’m sorry.”

At the apology, Remus looked Sirius in the eye. They were standing close enough that Sirius could feel the air of Remus’s exhalation. 

“Alright.”

Sirius stepped away, heart beating aggressively like it didn’t know that none of this meant anything. “Accio bedding,” he muttered, and a pile of sheets and pillows came floating towards them from the linen closet. How exactly he’d become someone who owned spare bedding, he wasn’t sure. It was sort of depressing. Then again, if anyone could appreciate it, Remus would.

In the living room, Sirius attempted to magic the sheets onto the couch, but his skill at household charms was admittedly lacking. Remus rolled his eyes and took over. Sirius hung up Remus’s coat for him.

“Well,” Sirius said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Remus took off his faded green jumper and placed it on the coffee table, folded neatly. “Goodnight, Padfoot,” he said pointedly, fluffing up his pillow.

“G’night.”

Sirius knew he wasn’t going to sleep well.

* * *

Sirius could tell it was early - the quality of the sunlight leaking in between the curtains and his level of exhaustion tipped him off. 

There was a soft thud in the hallway. Sirius rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweatpants. He pushed open his bedroom door. “Moony?”

Predictably, Remus was by the front door, coat in hand, hair mussed by sleep. “Hello,” he said, looking a bit guilty.

“I was going to make breakfast, you know,” Sirius told him, leaning against the wall.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Let’s have some tea, then.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair, undoing a few of many tangles.

Remus crossed his arms. “I don’t want to impose any longer.”

Sirius threw his hands up. “For fuck’s sake, Moony. You’ve never imposed on anyone, least of all me.” This enticed a brief smile out of Remus.

Sirius strolled into the kitchen and put on the kettle without waiting for a response. “I’m making eggs.” 

“I don’t want any, honestly.” 

Sirius gave Remus a skeptical look as he sat down at one of the two wicker chairs in the kitchen.

“I’m hungover,” Remus informed him, toying with the salt shaker.

“I’m not surprised.”

Remus rubbed his temples.

“How about some toast then?” Sirius offered, taking half a loaf out of the cupboard.

“Yes please, _mother._ ”

“Oi!” Sirius threw the loaf at Remus’s head. 

Remus snorted in laughter and accidentally banged his elbow on the table.

Oh. Sirius was in love with him.

He must have had a strange expression on his face, because Remus raised his eyebrows in question.

If wasn’t as though he hadn’t been aware of his attraction to Remus, because that had been there for years and even though Sirius could admit to himself that he wasn’t the _most_ self-aware person, he wasn’t stupid. But it only occurred to him now that what he felt was, perhaps - definitely - love.

“Alright there, Pads?” Remus asked warily.

Sirius nodded. Remus handed him the loaf. Sirius cut the bread in silence until the kettle wailed. He spilled some of the water while pouring it into the same mugs from last night.

When the toast was ready, Sirius joined Remus at the table. Sirius slathered his in butter, and Remus insisted that he wanted his plain.

“Sleep okay?” Sirius asked, wiping crumbs from his mouth.

“Yes. Thanks,” Remus crumbled a bit of toast between his fingers. “I mean, thank you for letting me stay.”

“Don’t get all formal on me so early in the morning, Moony.” Sirius kicked Remus’s leg under the table.

Remus smiled. Then he gazed down at his hands resting on the table and his expression changed. “If I told you why I can’t live here, you wouldn’t want me to anyway.” 

Sirius perked up. “Try me.” 

“No, I don’t think I will.” Remus took a sip of his tea.

“You might as well, if the end result will be the same.” Sirius had a feeling he might be able to wheedle it out of him, since this time, Remus had been the one to bring it up. Curiosity bubbled up inside of him like a Fizzing Whizbee. 

“It wouldn’t.” Remus was staring out of the window, his hair and eyes turned honey by the morning light. Even the Louvre didn’t have a work of art like Remus.

Sirius tapped his fingers on the table. “Let’s trade. I’ll tell you something I haven’t told you if you tell me why you won’t move in.”

Remus ran his finger along the rim of the teacup, then looked at Sirius, evaluating. “You first,” he said, tone light on the surface with a challenging undercurrent.

The pace of his heart picked up, trying to catch up with his racing thoughts. Sirius leaned in toward Remus. If he wasn’t one to dive into things head-first, who was he?

“I’m in love with you.”

Remus forced a laugh, like it was a joke, but not a funny one. Sirius leaned back and did not laugh. This was off to a bad start. 

“You - what?” Remus said, now with an almost comically confused expression.

“Listen, don’t get me wrong - I’m not trying to-” Sirius cleared his throat. “I know you like girls, Moony - I just-” He’d never felt so inarticulate. He drummed his fingers on the table as if the faster they moved the calmer he’d be. It wasn’t helping, so he stopped abruptly. “Like I said, I don’t like when we keep secrets from each other. And I _know_ you, I know that you think no one could possibly feel that way about you, and I want you to know that you’re wrong. They could. I mean, I do.”

Remus sat there, dead-still, looking at Sirius as if he’d gone mad. Which was a possibility.

“Remus?”

Remus stood up, walked to the door, grabbed his coat and shoes in one swift movement, and then left. The loud crack of apparition on his doorstep made Sirius flinch.

“Well, fuck.”

* * *

By noon, Sirius was too drunk to walk in a straight line and pretty sure that Remus would never talk to him again.

“I’m such a fucking idiot,” he said to the ceiling of his bedroom. The most annoying part of this situation was that he still didn’t know why Remus wouldn’t move in with him. Although that didn’t really matter - whatever his reason _had_ been, Sirius had given him a much better one. “Do you _ever_ think before you speak?” Remus had asked him once, or a hundred times. 

He certainly hadn’t been thinking about how this would pan out.

Part of him wanted to talk to James, but there was a feeling in the pit of his stomach - other than the effects of firewhiskey - that made him hesitate. Shame. That’s what it was. Remus was one of the few people who could make Sirius feel this way.

He also felt like crying, which was embarrassing even though there was no one there to witness it. “Pathetic,” Sirius said to himself. That was what Winona Woodward had called him near the end of fifth year.

_“Sirius!” Winona called, catching up to him after Charms._

_James gave him a mischievous grin. “Come on, lads,” he said to Remus and Peter. “Let’s let Sirius and his lady have a moment to themselves.” They went on ahead, Peter laughing and Remus (presumably, although Sirius couldn’t see his face) rolling his eyes._

_Annoyed at being separated from his friends, Sirius turned to Winona, who he’d been dating for two weeks. “Yes?”_

_“The girls agreed to stay out of the dorms for a few hours tonight,” she told him, smiling suggestively and latching onto his arm. “Care to join me?”_

_“I can’t. I have plans.” These plans involved gathering materials for a very clever and ambitious prank on the Slytherins._

_“With who?” she asked bitingly._

_“My mates.” This didn’t require any further specification. Anyone who knew who he was (which was practically everyone in the school) knew who his friends were, and that’s how he liked it._

_Winona stopped walking suddenly, and as she still had a hold on his arm, Sirius had to stop too._

_“So you’d rather spend time with them than me?” she asked coolly, finally releasing her grip on him._

_“I didn’t say that.” Although it was true. He’d known things would turn sour between the two of them sooner or later, and it didn’t particularly bother him that it was turning out to be sooner._

_Winona crossed her arms and stood up at her full height, looking at him contemptuously. “You’re queer, aren’t you.”_

_“What?!” he spat, looking both ways down the corridor to see if anyone was within hearing distance._

_“Oh, please. Don’t pretend. I’ve seen the way you look at Lupin,” she sneered._

_“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he hissed._

_“It’s absolutely pathetic,” she continued, as if he hadn’t said anything._

_“Just because I don’t want to shag_ you _doesn’t mean I’m queer!” he seethed, but she was already walking away. “Fuck you, Woodward,” he muttered under his breath._

Unfortunately, Winona had been correct. Sirius rolled over on his bed and pressed his face into a pillow. It was shortly after that incident that Sirius had brought about The Prank on Snape and nearly alienated Remus forever. And now he’d fucked up again, albeit not in a vicious way. To have a gay friend who kept quiet about it was one thing; to be expected to tolerate an unsolicited confession of love from said friend was simply too much.

Maybe he should have learned to transform into a woman instead of a dog. That wouldn’t really help things though, would it? Even if Sirius was a woman, or Remus was bent, Remus wouldn’t want him. Impulsive, self-involved, headstrong. There wasn’t a body or a world in which Remus Lupin would love Sirius Black.

Sirius flicked his wand to set the tap running in the bathroom. If he was lucky, he’d fall asleep in the bath and drown.

* * *

By the evening, neither having slept nor drowned, Sirius was mostly sober and very much tired of his own company. He’d spent a good long time reflecting on last Christmas, when it had been just him and Remus at Hogwarts together. At the time, there had been an air of possibly about the future.

Now, mirror in hand, he was considered contacting James to see if he was up for a pub crawl. There was no need to tell him what had happened - Remus surely wouldn’t mention it, so no one but the two of them would ever know. Just as he was about to say “James Potter,” there was a sharp _crack_ outside his door. Perhaps James had anticipated his need for a night out. 

Sirius got up from the couch to verify the identity of his visitor. He pushed the curtain aside. It was, of all people, Remus. Sirius yanked the door open.

“You’re supposed to ask me a security question,” Remus said, startled. His hair was a mess, like he’d been running his hands through it all day.

“Right,” Sirius replied. He couldn’t fathom why Remus was back. Had he forgotten something? “Erm… what did you give me for my seventeenth birthday?”

“A motorbike jacket,” Remus responded, stepping inside. “But that’s not a very good question. Anyone could look at you and guess that.” Remus unwrapped his scarf from around his neck like he was in a hurry.

“Okay, well, what did James give me?” Sirius asked, bewildered. He closed the front door to shut out the cold air, although he had no idea if Remus would stay for more than a minute.

“A flea collar,” Remus said, unbuttoning his coat. He fixed Sirius with a stare. “Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

Remus didn’t deign to answer. They were standing very close together.

“Yes,” Sirius said defensively. What kind of arsehole would say something like that to one of their closest friends and not mean it? Did Remus really think him capable of that?

For a moment, Sirius thought that Remus was going to hit him. But then, Remus put a hand on either side of Sirius’s face, leaned in, and kissed him firmly.

Sirius’s lips fell open automatically, as though this had been expected, but his mind was struggling to catch up. He pulled back reluctantly, head thudding against the wall, to say, “Remus - _what -_ you’re not-”

“Please, shut up.” After the polite request, Remus physically made him shut up, and Sirius was more than willing to comply. They could talk later. Possibly there would be consequences, but right now that was irrelevant. 

Sirius ran his hands through Remus’s hair as Remus pressed Sirius up against the wall. He slipped his tongue into Sirius’s mouth and Sirius sucked at it. Sirius pulled Remus’s coat off. Remus slipped one hand under Sirius’s shirt and cupped his arse with the other. Sirius kissed Remus’s neck and breathed in his scent, allowing himself think of nothing but the way Remus’s body felt against his.

* * *

After, sweaty and tingling and pleasantly exhausted, Sirius rested his head on Remus’s bare chest, listening to his heartbeat. What an utter poof he was.

“I’m sorry for running off earlier,” Remus said quietly, his hand resting on Sirius’s head. “I panicked. I didn’t know what to think…”

“Well, I’m sorry-”

“No, Sirius, don’t apologize for anything,” Remus told him. That was a first.

“Are you going to disappear in the morning?” Sirius asked.

Remus didn’t answer, so Sirius shifted away and propped his head up with one hand to look Remus in the eye.

“No,” Remus said, and Sirius believed him.

Sirius traced circles on Remus’s stomach, just north of a particularly ticklish spot, and knew without looking that Remus was smiling.

“Alright, Lupin,” Sirius said, sitting up. 

Remus raised his eyebrows.

“A deal’s a deal. You never told me why you didn’t want to move in.”

“Oh,” Remus said, and then snorted. Merlin, he was adorable. “I thought you’d have figured that out. It’s because I fancy you.”

Sirius frowned. “I don’t see why that would have stopped you.” Obviously, it hadn’t stopped Sirius from wanting to live with Remus.

Remus pulled the blanket up to his rib cage. “I didn’t think I could bear being here every day without ever being able to get closer to you,” he admitted, gazing at the ceiling.

Sirius felt an odd warmth bloom in his stomach. “Okay. Since that’s no longer the case, will you, Remus John Lupin, please put me out of my misery and move in?” 

Remus had the same frown on his face that was there when he’d found out about his friends’ plan to become Animagi. “I still don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Sirius pounced on him, eliciting an “oomph” from Remus. “Merlin’s balls, Moony! Say yes! I know you want to.”

“Get off, you great mutt,” Remus protested, but he was barely concealing a smile.

“Make me.”

Remus, with very little difficulty, flipped Sirius over and pinned him down. He narrowed his eyes at Sirius. “Fine.”

“Fine? As in fine, you’ll move in?” Sirius really needed the answer to be yes.

“Fine,” Remus said again, and then he finally smiled. He released his hold on Sirius’s arms and leaned down to kiss him.

Sirius threw his arms around Remus and brought him closer. If it was possible to die of happiness, Sirius would surely be dead right now.

“So you’ll spend Christmas with me, then?” Sirius asked as Remus kissed his collarbone.

“No,” Remus said, his lips brushing Sirius’s skin.

“Oh.” Sirius swallowed his disappointment.

“I think I ought to do Christmas with my parents. I thought you’d be with the Potters, anyway?”

Sirius shook his head. “It’s Lily’s first Christmas with them. I didn’t want to be in the way.”

Remus pressed his cold nose into the crook of Sirius’s neck. “In that case, why don’t you come to my house?”

“Really?” He hadn’t anticipated an invitation to the Lupin household. Upon consideration, though… “I don’t think your dad likes me very much.”

“Perhaps because you crashed a motorbike into his garage?” Remus said, and Sirius could feel him shake with silent laughter.

“Well I doubt he could have flown it any better!”

Remus’s laughter was no longer silent. “Be that as it may, I think that if you make a calmer entrance, his opinion of you could improve.”

Sirius smiled in spite of himself and touched the soft hairs at the base of Remus’s neck. “You know that’s not my style.”

“No,” Remus agreed. “I suppose I that’s why I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Holidays!
> 
> I'm thinking about writing this from Remus's point of view next. Any interest?
> 
> (update: I did it!)
> 
> moonynpadfootforever.tumblr.com


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